Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today

Most of you would agree with me on the relevance of this proverb in today’s competitive and fast paced world.

I cannot forget an incident, which happened in my life when I was studying in Class VI and my sister in Class III.

We used to live in a beautiful village called Vayalar in Kerala. Our ancestral home was located in the middle of a large coconut garden. To the east of our compound was the branch of a shallow canal, which was occasionally used to bring our small wooden boat from the Vembanad backwaters. The canoe could comfortably take six children, and we used to get into it and row it along the canal.

It was rainy season and the water level in the canal and the paddy fields had risen. We used to wait for the brief intervals between the rains to jump out and play. On Sunday, as usual, my dad has given me the task of reading a small book on Nehruji. Since it was raining outside, he might have thought that this was the best way of keeping me indoors. He was attending to some domestic work. I got into my room with the book. From the first few pages, I realised that the book was very interesting and could complete the same in a couple of hours. In no time, I was immersed in the book, and was making significant progress at a decent pace. Unfortunately my friends had other plans.

My cousin sister, elder to me by 2 years came home and said, "Daa, the paddy field is looking beautiful. It is full of water lilies with flowers of different colours. The rains have subsided now. We can go to the field in our canoe and pluck those pink, white and violet flowers. I saw then when I was returning from aunty’s house in the morning." I couldn’t hide my excitement. Closing the book, I asked, "Who all are coming?" She rattled out the names of most of our friends. "Can we go after lunch, so that I could finish this book by then?" I asked.
"Probably, by then, the rain would intensify and we might not be able to go today. It is okay if you are late. We are moving on." She said and ran out.

I was very disturbed. The page I was reading seemed to be endless. She little realised the impact of the bomb – temptation, she has planted in my mind. I closed the book, called my sister and joined the jing bang team at the canal. In the hurry, I also forgot to tell my dad or mom about our plan. Hey, sorry folks, I lied. It was not that I forgot. I deliberately didn’t ask them, knowing fully well that permission would not be granted. I thought I could spend some time at the paddy field, wade through the water, pluck some flowers and sneak back into my room before dad could find out.

We rode our canoe straight into the paddy field. We swam in the water, dived down reaching for the long pedicel of the lily flowers. In some time we collected a big bunch of flowers – white, pink, violet and even blue!! The ones with long pedicels were deftly crafted into garlands. Everyone was happy that they could gather a good collection in no time. I walked back home with my sister, happily, carrying our collection. The beautiful garlands were worn around our slender necks. I am sure that we would have looked like gypsies. I started getting butterflies in my stomach when we entered our compound. As expected, my dad was darting across the verandah anxiously. My sister proudly displayed our collection, without realising the impact it could make on him. By then, I knew that all the happiness we had for some time was shortlived.

"Where were you? Do you know how long were you out of home? Have you completed the book on Nehruji?" he asked in a breath. Before I could move, I felt the cane on my legs. While I was writhing in pain, my sister slipped away. After completing with my quota, he went after her. She ran around the pond like a deer, so that he could not catch her. After two rounds in vein, he gave up and returned home.

He saw me on my bed with Nehruji. The short knickers revealed the pink cane marks on my inner thighs. He couldn’t hide a tear in his eyes when he caressed my legs. He said "First things first. There would be so many temptations in life that would give you momentary highs. One should be balanced in mind to say "No" to many of them to stay in your chase of priorities."
It took me years of life, thereafter, to figure out what he meant. In this fast paced and extremely competitive world, it is very important that we accomplish most of the tasks we have set out for ourselves, on a day to day basis, in the pursuit of our goal. We would find temptations of various sorts, all around us, diverting our focus from the ultimate thing we are chasing.

Procrastination is the thief of time.
No project is completed until it’s objective has been met.

Recalibration of your measurement scales

When did you first dream about the profile (I mean...specs) of your spouse?

How should she look like? What should be her educational qualification? What should be her family background? Should she be employed or a home maker? What should be her likes and dislikes? What types of dress should she wear to office or for functions? How should she keep the house? ………and a lot more??????

I am sure that most of the married ones and the to be married ones would have spend hours, days and months together building up an ideal profile for his spouse.

Hey, my married friends, how many of you have been lucky to wed one closer to your expectations? Is this question totally out of place?
No, it is not. For those who keep thinking that you have not got your ideal match, sit up and think!

Where did this ideal profile originate from?

For most of the guys, the ideal profile would have been influenced by his mother, sister (if he had one), friend’s sister or your first date. If your mom has made a positive impact in your life, you start developing an ideal profile for your partner around it. Similarly if it was your sister or your friend’s sister who had a significant influence in your life, you tailor your partner’s profile around it. Because, these are the only girls whom you knew closer for a longer period of time before your heart started yearning for a companion.

Your expectations from your companion get built up gradually. If your mom woke you up everyday, with a cup of coffee/tea in her hand, you expect that your wife should do the same thing. If your mom opened the gates for you, when you drove out to your office everyday, you expect your wife to do the same thing. If your sister preferred simple dresses to fashionable ones, you may want your companion to follow suit. If your mom cooked delicious food, you would also expect your wife to excel in cooking. If you didn’t like the taste of the food your mom cooked, still you would expect your wife to cook you the best food to make amends for your life lost on average food.

How did you feel when she didn’t meet these simple but basic expectations you had?

"Terrible…" or "Okay"????

For most, it would have been terrible.

Have you ever bothered to check with your spouse as to how she felt when you brought four of your friends home for dinner without or at short notice? Did you check whether they enjoyed those old Kishore Kumar songs played in the car, when you were driving for a weekend trek? Do you remember the way she looked at you when you sat down with your friends for a drink? Did you see the nasty look on her face when you turned down her request to shake your legs with her in a party? Many a time you wouldn’t have. But remember…. She too would have felt equally terrible.

Why did this happen?

Identical to the way you formulated your dream profile, she might have designed her companion’s profile around her dad, brother, brother’s friend or her friend’s brother.
Hence the reason for the unhappiness seems to be stemming from the expectations one has about his/her "would be" partner, developed over a very long period.
The spouse gets evaluated or assessed by the measuring scale that has been calibrated in the past. For example, if my sister measured 7 out of 10 on a beauty scale, you expect your wife to score 8 plus. If your brother was a popular sportsperson, you expect your husband to be at least an outdoor enthusiast.

Is this the right approach?

Isn’t it high time that you recalibrated your measurement scales with the learnings you had from your life experiences?

Isn’t it better to assess and accept an individual for what he/she is worth as an overall package rather than split hair on evaluating him/her against every parameter you have set early, in your expectation list.

I feel the answer is YES.

We need to understand why a person responds to a situation in a particular fashion, before you criticise him/her using your outdated measuring scale. If the deviation in behaviour, from your expectation, does not lead to a significantly negative impact on you, relax before your react. Take it easy. If it affects your life significantly, influence him/her gradually after understanding the root cause of the behaviour.

There is no behaviour that cannot be changed if you sincerely feel so. Be expressive, be loving, be caring. State your request with the right intent. I am sure that your partner will make a sincere attempt to alter or adapt his/her behaviour. Support and encourage him/her through the change. Please stay away from being harsh and avoid the tone of criticism.

Open your windows to the Change. Experience the cool breeze of Change embracing you.
Be Happy……