Recalibration of your measurement scales

When did you first dream about the profile (I mean...specs) of your spouse?

How should she look like? What should be her educational qualification? What should be her family background? Should she be employed or a home maker? What should be her likes and dislikes? What types of dress should she wear to office or for functions? How should she keep the house? ………and a lot more??????

I am sure that most of the married ones and the to be married ones would have spend hours, days and months together building up an ideal profile for his spouse.

Hey, my married friends, how many of you have been lucky to wed one closer to your expectations? Is this question totally out of place?
No, it is not. For those who keep thinking that you have not got your ideal match, sit up and think!

Where did this ideal profile originate from?

For most of the guys, the ideal profile would have been influenced by his mother, sister (if he had one), friend’s sister or your first date. If your mom has made a positive impact in your life, you start developing an ideal profile for your partner around it. Similarly if it was your sister or your friend’s sister who had a significant influence in your life, you tailor your partner’s profile around it. Because, these are the only girls whom you knew closer for a longer period of time before your heart started yearning for a companion.

Your expectations from your companion get built up gradually. If your mom woke you up everyday, with a cup of coffee/tea in her hand, you expect that your wife should do the same thing. If your mom opened the gates for you, when you drove out to your office everyday, you expect your wife to do the same thing. If your sister preferred simple dresses to fashionable ones, you may want your companion to follow suit. If your mom cooked delicious food, you would also expect your wife to excel in cooking. If you didn’t like the taste of the food your mom cooked, still you would expect your wife to cook you the best food to make amends for your life lost on average food.

How did you feel when she didn’t meet these simple but basic expectations you had?

"Terrible…" or "Okay"????

For most, it would have been terrible.

Have you ever bothered to check with your spouse as to how she felt when you brought four of your friends home for dinner without or at short notice? Did you check whether they enjoyed those old Kishore Kumar songs played in the car, when you were driving for a weekend trek? Do you remember the way she looked at you when you sat down with your friends for a drink? Did you see the nasty look on her face when you turned down her request to shake your legs with her in a party? Many a time you wouldn’t have. But remember…. She too would have felt equally terrible.

Why did this happen?

Identical to the way you formulated your dream profile, she might have designed her companion’s profile around her dad, brother, brother’s friend or her friend’s brother.
Hence the reason for the unhappiness seems to be stemming from the expectations one has about his/her "would be" partner, developed over a very long period.
The spouse gets evaluated or assessed by the measuring scale that has been calibrated in the past. For example, if my sister measured 7 out of 10 on a beauty scale, you expect your wife to score 8 plus. If your brother was a popular sportsperson, you expect your husband to be at least an outdoor enthusiast.

Is this the right approach?

Isn’t it high time that you recalibrated your measurement scales with the learnings you had from your life experiences?

Isn’t it better to assess and accept an individual for what he/she is worth as an overall package rather than split hair on evaluating him/her against every parameter you have set early, in your expectation list.

I feel the answer is YES.

We need to understand why a person responds to a situation in a particular fashion, before you criticise him/her using your outdated measuring scale. If the deviation in behaviour, from your expectation, does not lead to a significantly negative impact on you, relax before your react. Take it easy. If it affects your life significantly, influence him/her gradually after understanding the root cause of the behaviour.

There is no behaviour that cannot be changed if you sincerely feel so. Be expressive, be loving, be caring. State your request with the right intent. I am sure that your partner will make a sincere attempt to alter or adapt his/her behaviour. Support and encourage him/her through the change. Please stay away from being harsh and avoid the tone of criticism.

Open your windows to the Change. Experience the cool breeze of Change embracing you.
Be Happy……